Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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