he shaved USA in his pubs
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
