Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
