They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Randomize
