I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!