Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You are a genius and a whore.