we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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