It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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