I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
