I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
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yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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