Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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