You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
im holly from the hills drunk
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
