the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
