Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
