i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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