Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
being pregnant is like rehab
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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