I just gift wrapped bread.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
