Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
