dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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