Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
