Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
