btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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