There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
