quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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