says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
