you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
