I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
