New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
