I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
there is glitter all over my balls
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