put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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