the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
