Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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