got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In other news, I just burned my penis
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
