I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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