I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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