Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
