Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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