How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The best revenge is premature balding
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
