My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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