I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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