I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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