Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
