turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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