This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
