I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
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I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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