I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
