we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
