How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
They took my balls.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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