I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
All I want is dick and wine.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
