I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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