So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
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Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
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I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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