i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
