She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Sorry my hands just texted you
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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