The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
