I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
