doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
pop tarts are not kleenex
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
tell me about the fingering
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
