She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
